Transcription:The Fattest Fat Loser
Announcer (Seth Green): Previously on The Fattest Fat Loser, the contestants got real! Miss Piggy: Moi has always considered oneself pleasantly plump. That is until I shattered Kermit's pelvis. (Camera cuts to a bedroom with Kermit and Miss Piggy having sex in the middle of filming an intercourse tape) Kermit The Frog: AHHHHHHHH! Get off of me you fucking wildebeest! (Camera cuts to Mario) Mario: My brother Luigi and me, we used to be the same. (holds up a picture of him and 8-bit Luigi from "Super Mario Bros.", from the NES) But after a few years-a, (shows a picture of him and Luigi from the Luigi games) if I don't-a change-a my ways, (shows a picture of an extremely fat Mario and Luigi running away) this is what the Doctor's projected I will look like. (Camera cuts to Winnie the Pooh) Winnie the Pooh: I've gained so much weight, I can't even fit in Rabbit's hole anymore. (turns to someone off screen) What? (Camera cuts to Garfield) Garfield: I just wanna lick my balls one more time or at least be able to see them. Wait, wait, I mean, I hate Mondays! (A montage of the characters training is shown to the song "Follow your Heart" and culminates with all the characters standing on stage and waving to the camera) Announcer (Seth Green): The Fattest Fat Loser! (Announcer farts) Gross! (Camera cuts to Barbie) Barbie: I've made little girls self-conscious about their bodies for decades. That makes me the perfect trainer for this show. Of course, I am hungry all the time, so I can get a little irritable. (Camera cuts to Mario knocking a speed bag while jumping) Barbie: Double time, Super Lardio! Mario: I can-a do this all day. Barbie: THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL FAT!?! So sorry. Follow your dreams. YOU FAT FUCK! Sorry. Find your shining star. (Camera cuts to Barbie and Miss Piggy doing Kung Fu) Miss Piggy: Vous would like to spar with moi? Ah ha ha. I'm a fourth-degree black belt, sweetie. (Camera cuts back to Barbie) Barbie: You have to shatter their delusions before you can reach them. The way my delusion of eating another Tiramisu which shattered at age 12. (Camera cuts back to Miss Piggy and Barbie doing Kung Fu) Barbie: If you thought Fitness Trainer Barbie was a hard ass, you haven't seen Kung Fu Barbie! Miss Piggy: Oh yeah? (Barbie runs at Miss Piggy and kicks her in the neck and attacks her repeatedly, culminating with her trying to break her arm) Miss Piggy: Moi has to go to the bathroom! Barbie: I don't care how you lose weight! (Miss Piggy poops and Barbie drops her) Barbie: We've had a real breakthrough here today, Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy: (whimpers) (Camera cuts to Barbie standing in front of the contestants who have a wheelbarrow each, with different foods in each one; Garfield has lasagna, Mario has spaghetti, Winnie the Pooh has honey, and Miss Piggy has rice) Barbie: You'll push a wheelbarrow full of your trigger food up to the top of this hill where you'll dump your payload into the fire, symbolically saying goodbye to your former fat ass lives and giving you the strength to leave your co-dependent relationship. (chuckles) You hear that, Ken? I don't need you anymore! (laughs) Please, call me. (Camera cuts to Winnie the Pooh) Winnie the Pooh: Last fall, Eeyore lost his long battle with depression... (camera cuts to Winnie the Pooh holding a pot of Honey in the air) For you, Eeyore! (Begins to pour the honey out of the pot, but it falls very slowly. Pooh looks at the pot and then at the camera, he shrugs. Camera cuts back to Winnie the Pooh's interview after six seconds) ...hung himself with his own tail. (Camera cuts back to the contestants about to begin their race) Barbie: And GO! (fires the starting gun, causing all the contestants to start running) Garfield: Wow! I'm in the lead! I have lost weight! This is rewriting the book on Mondays. (gasps) My balls! (throws his wheelbarrow onto Winnie the Pooh and sits down to lick his groin, but sees nothing there) Hey! There's nothing in here! JON, YOU MONDAY-ED MY BALLS!! (Miss Piggy and Mario pass him, both are getting tired but Miss Piggy makes it first and throws her food onto the fire while Mario falls to the floor) Miss Piggy: I won! I won! Phew... I'm roasting out here. Mario: (sniffs) Oh! Is-a that-a my mama's-a prosciutto? (gets up and tries to eat Miss Piggy) Just-a one-a taste, Mama! One-a bite! Miss Piggy: Hey! Get off! Knock it off! (In the process, Miss Piggy falls into the fire, Winnie the Pooh and Garfield arrive and look at the mess and express surprise and consider helping her.) Garfield: Miss Piggy! Winnie the Pooh: (spoken at about the same time as Garfield's line) Oh, stuff and fluff! Mario: Wait! Let-a her cook. 'Winnie the Pooh: '''Oh, she does smell delicious. (Garfield nods in agreement) (Camera cuts to a counter on stage) '''Barbie: '''Miss Piggy, your final weight loss is... (Camera zooms out to show that Miss Piggy's charred bones are being weighed) 174 pounds! (Looks at the three other contestants with disappointment, who are much fatter than they were before) The rest of you have gained a COMBINED 174 pounds. Miss Piggy, you are the Fattest Fat Loser! (Confetti falls from ceiling.) '''Announcer (Seth Green): '(Announcer farts) Gross! (episode and sketch ends.) Category:Transcriptions